Swift's Blog of Bad Opinions
And other crimes!
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Look it's a website
Wowee my own personal blog. Instead of playing games I worked on this today? So that's something. It's getting easier now.
Yesterday was a wash altogether because it was the day after my 2nd Covid shot. This reference will date this website, in case the actual date was too opaque. Basically I woke up at noon, did stuff for 2 hours, ate lunch, and promptly fell back asleep for another 5 hours. Arm hurt + chills and minor fever. But now it's much better and in 2 weeks I can finally exist in the world without the constant crushing fear of death. At least as a result of covid.
So the question is: Now What? Well, I guess more website dev.
It's actually been pretty fun so far, as much as it is challenging, it gives me something to focus on other than... the world. The world has kinda seeped a little too much into the internet for my taste, I really was feeling that Dark Forest Theory article about things lately. As the 'normal' world closes in, the people on the edges get pushed out, or they flee to the idea of safety. I don't think there is ever any actual safety, but it's quiet here.
Maybe I just need the quiet. I know I tried to post some fanart on Twitter the a month ago, and it got... too much attention? That's probably a weird thing to stress about, but it did stress me out. Heart-racing, stomach-cold, full on stress. I was afraid of people seeing it, of children seeing it, seeing me, and because of that being a target. So I deleted it less than an hour after I posted it.
I'm just too worn down from 2020.
Social Media Break
Hhahhahhhhah. Immediately after that last post I encountered 1 (one) stress and proceeded to have a depressive breakdown. I don't think I've ever been so listless that I flat out slept the whole day before, but I did, the entirety of yesterday. I didn't see the point of anything, and I'm still not sure I actually believe in the future, but I got up this morning and worked on commissions so....
Still kind of feel like being dead would be easier. Less cruel.
I just can't feel anything other than hopelessness. If even the things that use to make me 'happy' are gone then.... then what? Then what's the point.
Sure am off to a great start with this fucking thing huh. Anyway I'm not going to check twitter for a while (I'll still check my work twitter but not my normal one.)
Nevermind all that
Anyway nevermind all that other stuff.
Still not feeling super great but I watched The Mitchells vs The Machines so I guess it gave me a single thing to be like 'well not everything is awful. This movie, for instance, is in fact quite good'. I will give it a more robust review /writeup on the movies page at some point after people have a chance to see it. It's funny though that Kat and I have the exact same quibble about it as the Ducktales '17 Astro-BOYD episode. Like, to the letter. So that's fun.
Basically that just means we need to work on our AI/Robot story more, since apparently everyone else is just going to keep letting us down.
Also I'm a year older now. Huzzah. I'm catching up to Kat so she better watch out.
Working on commissions too. Feels good, I'd say that I feel better working on commissions than 'personal' stuff. Personal work is usually like... 'Why isn't this done after 15 minutes, I hate it I hate everything I touch.' And there's never a feeling like... oh well it will get better if I keep dumping time into it. Whereas Commissions, I have a clear idea what it should be, how finished it will be, I hand it to the client and they say 'this looks great and change this part' and I'm like 'sweet absolutely zero choice had to be made by me.' That's super freeing.
Also I'm in a Zine that came out yesterday. I should feel more excited but because a stress thing happened in the discord, that wasn't even me, and which caused a huge mental breakdown, I'm kinda.... not really feeling it. I was in like, three fandoms tops before fandom stopped being a fun thing I guess. Now it's just 'is someone going to try and ruin my life because I think Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham should kiss?' which sucks and feels super bad because fandom was kinda the only thing I did for 'fun'. So now there are no fun things. There's just work and existential dread. and working on this website. I feel a little more secure working on the website because absolutely fucking no one is going to see it. Phew.
Mom's been doing pretty bad this weekend. How appropriate for mother's day, huh? I don't want to stress Kat about it too much, but I've only seen people get this way shortly before it's their time and it's got me feeling pretty awful. The pain was one thing, the weakness, the infections.... this confusion is something new and is really scaring me. I don't know what causes that, and how you come back from it.
Been feeling emotionally drained, need to support Kat best that I can.
Also, as an aside, fuck socialmedia for making me anxious about the damn stupid rocket all of 10minutes before it crashed down into the ocean thousands of miles away. What a useless bit of stress!!!
Mcfreaking exhausted. Cleaning since Kat is staying with Mom. I just couldn't do anything else today, after the last few days. I'm worn out physically and emotionally, but also intellectually understimulated. I know I babbled on about homestuck for a while, on a non-homestuck server. Just couldn't shut the fuck up about it. Ended up sending an old rp partner a message to try and reconnect again, maybe they'll get it, who knows.
Added some thoughts about the Venom movie to the Interests page. Forgot to add that it looks bad and is stupid as hell, w/e, because it is. Man. It is. a dumb movie. Yet I love it. ah well.
Biannual TTRPG Itch
Something other than doom and gloom for a change. It's time for the chronic condition I have to flare up where I want to play in a TTRPG group despite being extremely shy and also terrible at managing and committing to the time it would take to be apart of one. This happened because I read a tweet by someone who had an interesting system for determining 'what you know' with knowledge rolls. But not just 'if you roll good you know if you don't you don't know' rather, getting a low roll means you are confidently wrong about some information. That sounded very fun to me. They also talked about the practicality of how to have two people roll and to remove metagaming, if wanted, have the results be invisible. Two characters, two conflicting ideas, no idea whose idea is the most accurate which could lead the party astray. It sounds like a great opportunity is all.
This person also had some interesting things to say in general about how RPG tends to try to put descriptions and stat boxes on things that people in real life haven't given satisfactory answers to, such as: 'what happens when we die' or 'what makes someone a good person?'. And also in general disagreeing with the fundamental idea that happens in some D&D where a race of people can be, inherently, good or evil. That it can be classified as a good act to kill the children of an evil 'race', and their dislike of that.
Just a lot of fun stuff there. I dunno, I find the idea of mutual, collaborative story telling very interesting. That's why I like doing projects with Kat, but I would like doing it in certain ways with other people too. There's just a lot of real life limitations to how you can actually organize a game group. Idk. Maybe sometime when everything stops happening so much, there might be a place for that.